Monday, 20 June 2016

Thinning On Top?!

No, Thinning on Top is not a small quaint village in Worcestershire somewhere (pronounced Wus-te-sha, not wussussestershishishishishi etc) full of English stereotypes out of a Hollywood movie, I’m talking hair here, and you know, you’ve all been running from that for a long time, haven’t you? Time to face the truth...

Oh, woe is me! Hair today, gone tomorrow!? As the hair goes, the beard grows! Grass doesn’t grow on a busy street!? His head is growing through his hair! Taking longer and longer to wash your face??! Well, at least you’ll save a fortune on combs!! Hey, Chromedome!! Oi, Slaphead?!! And on and on it goes, a veritable litany of cruelty, jibes, anxiety and hilarity aimed at the man who is ‘follicly’ challenged.

I’m going a bit thin on top, you see. At one time, it was a traumatic thing for blokes to go bald, or starting to go bald. In fact, it still is really, but the trend now is to make it trendy “are you going  bald, mate? Oh no, I’m just shaving my head. It’s really cool, isn’t it?” and so on. Get a tight t shirt and tight jeans, grow a trendy goatee beard, or the latest guy accessory a full beard (if you can, that is) and the bald head is the crown on the head of your new image change. Baldness can actually be trendy...

I suppose of course, that losing your hair also brings your youth to an end in some cases, too. But, not always. What seems to happen to guys where I come from is they actually start to take more care in their appearance, lose a bit of weight, perhaps work out a bit and start thinking about their wardrobe and what clothes they are actually wearing. In some cases, some blokes might even start buying AND using moisturiser!!! Not me, oh no... But, suddenly the hair loss isn’t the end, not a bit of it, it can be the beginning of a whole new you. Without hair though, obviously.

Just look at these guys for a moment, if you will, and savour their slapheadedness in all their glory...

 So, it’s not so bad to be a baldy, is it. Could be the start of a whole new you... and let’s face it, you won’t go through the trauma of going bald again, will you? And I’ll leave you with this pearl of wisdom, that may leave you at peace:

 Perhaps going bald is just God’s way of saying you are losing your hair....?

 And Here, is the Slaphead’s Slaphead....

Wednesday, 1 June 2016

John Sentamu’s Coming!!!!!!!!

John Sentamu’s coming, he’s coming today

Is he staying for a year, or a year and a day?

John Sentamu’s coming, he’s on his way

Three cheers for the fella, hip hip hooray!!!


John Sentamu’s buying, he’s getting them in

Cider for her, and I’ll have a gin

John Sentamu’s buying, so don’t be late

He drinks like a fish, and he eats for eight.


John Sentamu’s drumming, he’s forming a band

Rap indie rock metal, he’ll never be panned

John Sentamu’s strumming, a one man band

It’s always live music, he’ll never be canned.


John Sentamu’s running, get out of his way

Running for dolphins, or so they

John Sentamu’s gunning, he’s gunning for souls

He’s driving a mini, but never a Rolls.


 John Sentamu’s thinking, of what to do now

Skiing for hedgehogs, hopping in Macau

John Sentamu’s smiling, a friendly old chap

The nation is grateful, we all doff our cap.


John Sentamu’s laughing, but never at you

His anger is righteous, his barbs are all true

John Sentamu’s angry, but never for long

Soon he’ll be smiling, then what can go wrong?


John Sentamu’s singing, he isn’t half bad

Hes rarely unhappy, and usually not sad

John Sentamu’s ringing, he wants a nice chat

Nothing important, just this and that.


John Sentamu’s going on holiday

A caravan park, thats where he’ll stay

John Sentamu’s going, a nice well earned rest

Some fishing, some climbing, whatever is best.


John Sentamu’s crying, for all the poor

He jeers at poverty, shows injustice the door

John Sentamu’s frowning, at all of the pain

But his soothing smile is like desert rain.


John Sentamu’s dancing, dancing with joy

For every girl and for every boy

John Sentamu’s rapping, in the cathedral at York

He walks the walk, and he talks the talk.


John Sentamu’s jumping, and hopping with glee

He’s doing it all for you and for me

John Sentamu’s flying, flying at height

He frowns at wrong, and smiles at right.


John Sentamu’s walking, and he’s walking tall

He does it for one, and he does it for all

John Sentamu’s jogging for sweet charity

For  hope, and peace and equality.


John Sentamu’s sombre, he’s thinking through things

He takes in his stride whatever life brings

John Sentamu’s smiling, the sun has come out

He never worries, and there’s never a doubt.


John Sentamu’s here, and sometimes he’s there

You’ll get to see him, just don’t you despair

John Sentamu’s grinning, with nary a frown

Hey hey, its big Johnny, he might be coming to your town...