Tuesday, 2 August 2016

God Loves Me... Even if Everyone Else thinks I’m a ****

Ah, to be cool like Steve McQueen, or Idris Elba, or Robert de Niro, Or Al Pacino, or one of the great Shakespearean actors like Laurence Olivier, or Paul Scofield, or one of the cool musicians like Jimi Hendrix, or Miles Davis. Oh, to be cool like one of those fellas!!! But, alas, most of us are not, even though we all cling to a little bit of coolness, a little bit of mystery, a little bit of sly hipsterism. Well, most do, Well, some do. Well, I do. Well I try to. Sometimes. Not all the time. Most days, not all.

When I am alone, I wish to share my thoughts and my life with others. When I am with others, I sometimes want to be alone. On my best days, I muddle through. On my worst days, I go off into worlds of my own imagination. Not sure where I will end up. Until I need a cup of tea, and then I fall quickly back to earth again.

I am, and was for a very long time, socially awkward. You wouldn’t really know it to look at me, but sooner or later, you would notice. The thing is, now I don’t care. I crack silly jokes, I laugh too loud, and I sometimes make a spectacle of myself. But didn’t I just tell you, I just don’t care?

It’s cool to be socially awkward! I spent a lot of my life wishing I was someone else, and now I am glad to be me, and no one else. I spent half of my life running away from me. Now I’m not running anymore. I’ve spent half my life thinking that people just didn’t want to know me. Well, God does, so that is all I need at this time. I could be extremely angry at the people who treated me badly in the past, one of those guys who walk around like they are ready to strike like a coiled snake. But, there’s too many people knocking around like that these days. I don’t want to be one of them.

I am a misfit. I am one on my own. They definitely broke the mould when they made me. I’m the spare part. I’m the one that doesn’t fit in. I’m like nobody else. There is nobody else like me. I wanted to fit in. Now I don’t. Take me or leave me. Accept me or reject me. Like me or hate me. I don’t care. I am socially awkward. Maybe the socially awkward shall inherit the earth?

Once, I used to hate myself. I’m still not sure how I feel about myself now. But God loves me, even if everyone else thinks I’m a ****.

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